'Tis the season to be trashy!

Greetings fellow trash bags! I cannot think of a more appropriate depiction of what it's really like to go shopping during this festive season. That's us on top...swimming along having NO clue what lies beneath. You set out hoping to (semi) enjoy giving unto self or others. CRUNCH! The jaws of the general public have you in their vice within seconds. Gripping all the joy and strangling any sense of pleasure right out of you. I have set fire to my budget and pledged to support my economy one purchase at a time. Unaware of the little fishy directly below me.

First thing's first, a little something for myself. A new hat! Yes, this is what will boost my spirits. A proper fitting cloche will make me appear mysterious and unapproachable...PERFECT!

Here's a play-by-play of this unsuccessful journey.

Store number 1:

I enter and clerk welcomes me with great enthusiasm. She is clothed in what appears to be a dress with three pairs of suspenders (??) and a giant gray floppy hat. I question her wardrobe selection, but who am I to judge? She measures my head and offers several selections. I am convinced I will have a hat in no time, from multiple suspenders lady. I find THE hat to ease my winter blues! I nearly jump for my love...jump in! But it's so over priced it will be the only gift I will be able to buy. Should I screw my family to the post and tell them I looked too fabulous in said hat and apologize for nothing under their tree? Bah hum bug...I tell the suspender hat lady I'll be back. Never to return.

Store number 2:

Tiny little store with hats on the wall. I am drawn in and immediately want to turn around when I see a little girl with a Pomeranian pup playing inside. Her mother, who spoke very little English, waved me in and now it was too late to turn back. I pointed to a decent looking hat high on the wall. I asked her for it and she gave me a quizzical look. I wanted to say, TRASH I WANT TO LEAVE BUT SINCE I'M HERE AT LEAST HELP ME.

There I was jumping up and down in an effort to help myself try on THEIR goods, when a man appeared out of nowhere with a portable phone to his ear and clearly engaged in conversation. I noticed him by the volume of his voice (obviously) and the fact he was shoving a giant bamboo

stick into my arm. What in God's name was I supposed to do with this?

He must have sensed my alarm because he then motioned to the hat high on the wall. I could not believe I actually humored him and lowered the hat from the wall, myself. I tried it on...too small. The phone man had disappeared just as quickly as he appeared and I was left with a tiny fedora on my head and the Asian woman laughing at me. I laughed along with her, suspecting we were both laughing at my expense.

I took the hat off and deliberately made my way for the door. The phone man RAN from the back of store and said, "Listen, I need to take this call. Come back in 30 minutes and I know I can help you. 30 minutes, ok?". I would have promised to name my first born after him, anything to get me the hell out of this trashy store. 30 minutes my ASS! I speak CASH NOW, TRASH!

You still with me?

Store number 3:

Another tiny hat shop with two Asian females flitting about. They had an ipod on max volume playing the most high pitched Chinese techno. I was greeted only by a brief gaze. No words were exchanged. The thing about hat shops, typically they make the most of their store's space and stack the hats on high shelves. This was no exception. This shop had more of a museum ambiance to it rather than a shop where one can actually purchase. It was a look only type of shop, apparently. I wanted to try three hats on, but I was too uncomfortable to ask for their help for fear they would regard me as a fool for asking to touch their precious hats. So I left, dazed and confused by a shop that didn't want to sell.

Store number 4:

My journey was more disappointing than Britney Spears' Femme Fatale, but I rallied for one last stop. The Sally that greeted me at this next shop did speak to me and in English! I was already feeling encouraged. She was a tiny old braud that looked rode hard and put away wet. She covered her Andy Warhol inspired straw wig with a purple beret and she was wearing a sweet sailor outfit.

She said, in an unexpected husky voice, "Darling, I have your size. What is it?" I tried on several hats, with her assistance and I honestly felt she would have told me burlap looked good if positioned just 'so' on my head. A few other customers had entered and she left me to fend for myself as she promised everyone she had their size.

I was momentarily lost in the reflection of myself in the mirror but was quickly jerked out of my zone when I heard a verbal scuffle. "You piece of sh*t! You will be sued for labor laws. You won't get away with this." A tall blond lady was screaming at the Andy Warhol look alike. "Baby, you can't touch me. Now get the hell out of here," she screamed as she chased away the tall blond trash as if she were nothing more than a stray cat. I was completely astonished at her ability to regain composure (within mere seconds) and return asking if I wanted to order a custom hat. The only thing I wanted to custom was my exit.

Summary - After attempting to support local businesses with a simple hat purchase, I retreated and went back to the safety behind my lap top. I made several dirty martinis, put on last year's cloche and hit BUY on Cyber Monday! I got deals, I got instant gratification and best of all...I didn't get eaten alive by the trashy public.

Cheers sweetie dah'ling!

Trash at the food shop!

Happy Turkey Day fellow trash collectors! I have had quite a feast...of trash. I had the misfortune of being the designated fool selected to go to the store to purchase the goods for the upcoming gorge fest. What I saw at the store was so trashy, I feel compelled to share.

When people are gearing up for the big day, the slightest inconvenience can switch their mood from tolerable to Ms. Jackson in you're NASTY.

People start busting out fighting words..."bump my cart again bitch and I will cut you!" or "Where are the fu**ing cranberries you dumb whore?"

I saw old ladies ready to throw down if one more Sally bumped their cart (let it be noted these same old trash bags parked their carts in the middle of the aisle with NO intention of budging).

"Mess with me and I'll show you who's the boss"

Lines are long, the heat is on, trash bags are roaming freely and it's all for a meal that takes 20 minutes to devour. And the best part is we all get to do it again in exactly 31 days...but who's counting? Bottoms up, trash.

Trash on the road!

Trashy drivers should stay off the road! Their punishment should be having to walk everywhere instead!! I live in a city that is notorious for heavy traffic. Traffic, itself, wouldn't be as intolerable if it weren't for the a**holes in their cars.

How many times have you been cut off on account of some trash bag bullying the road? My favorite is lane mergers. We all have to wait our turn but there is always some car whizzing to the front of the line and then cutting in. I'm not a genius, but even I understand this only prolongs everyone's delay.

Another offense, a trash bag cuts in front of you (for no clear reason) then drives 5 mph UNDER the speed limit.....

Then we have the trash bags who insist pedestrians unilaterally have the right away in a cross walk. The light is red, I'll wait...no argument. But when the light turns green and you decide to leisurely cross the street at this point, why can't I mow you down? The world would breathe a collective sigh of relief at your departure! And if you dare shoot me a dirty look when I honk, there's a special spot in H-E-double hockey sticks for you, trash!!

I think we should be able to shout out citizen's arrest to said trash. Trashy people are all around us and we live in their world, as demonstrated by their actions. It must be exhausting to always insist you're first. These are the children that did not play well in the sand box. Sadly, they grew into adults who do not know how to play with others. It's all about them 24/7.

If you're one of these trash bags, don't be surprised if this gets pulled on your ass someday...karma is a biotch!

Trash on reality TV!

My trashy pleasure: Real Housewives of NJ and Bev Hills. These women are about as real as Joan River's face! With the exception of Caroline Manzo (babe in the red), these women look like aging strippers! Does the expression 'just because it fits does not mean it looks good' mean a thing? I mean, alright so you've got the cash to upgrade your body parts and you see the personal trainer more than the kids....but does this justify sporting a call girl's ensemble? Case in point:

Hide the fun bags! Lose the hooker heels! Toss the dress! START OVER!!! If these are 'real' housewives, than I need to ask in what alternate universe are we living? These trashy dressers are actually setting trends...GASP! I'm sorry, I almost forgot the trashiest of them all....

You can actually see her belly button through the dress!!! Such trash!!! Her boobies are too big for the top and she's bulging out in every unflattering angle.

Whatever happened to dressing like a lady? Leaving something to the imagination? Instead of giving away the goods, these ladies look like a million bucks because they hide what the good Lord gave them. Clothes were invented for a reason!! They're not in existence to reveal as much skin as possible without being arrested for indecency. Sadly, in 2011 trash sells! But not every woman wants to replicate the 'Pretty Woman' image. Here are some classy gals that remain style icons, for a reason.

And for an updated class act....

Go forth and be classy...you'll be a rebel in this trashy world!

Trash outside the house

When pants are optional. Here's a thought that never crosses my mind. Ok, maybe on days when I've popped some valium and chased it with a dirty martini. On all other sober days, I will leave my house fully clothed. But not everyone feels the same way. I love these people, no seriously I do! I love their commitment to walk out of their house and say 'Hey, it's a look!'

This Sally looks like an overgrown baby sporting a denim diaper.

Deb thought Walmart had a pool. She's always ready for a dip.

A working gal has to pick up her produce after her 'shift'.

Bertie likes to do her butt clenches when she's waiting in line!

It's a look! Albeit a trashbag. I predict Lady Gaga will steal it.

What's trashier than no pants? I'll tell you...when people are wearing pants but you can see what's underneath. This happens ALL THE FREAKING TIME! Ill fitting bottoms can, and often do, reveal more than anyone wants to see.

Stan is wearing, what appears to be, a leopard thong while reaching for the rocky road!

Peek-a-boo! She is sure to frighten little children. Just think, a small child has the sightline of an adult's behind!

Just because it fits, does NOT mean it looks good! I see this kind of trash everywhere. Unless your Britney Spears, please don't wear hip huggers. You're exposing your muffin tops to the free world and we don't want any! On the other hand, it could be used as a motivational tool to get to the gym....

I can't decide which is trashier? No pants or back ass. Survey says?

Unless you make your coin by taking it off, please keep your pants/shirts/knickers/shawl, whatever, ON! There's a reason we need clothes. 1% of us actually look good without clothing. And anyone who tells you otherwise, probably should put their clothes back on as well. Cover thyself, trash bag!

Trash at the roots!

Yesterday I was at a hole in the wall bar, don't judge. It was mid afternoon on a Sunday and this blonde walks into the bar. A suburban bar, mind you. This 'blonde' had long, fried and stringy yellow/white color hair. Her brown roots called even more attention than her yellow/white hair. She saddled up to the bar, ordered a Miller Lite and a shot, of what I don't know. Chugged them both and left as quickly as she came. She had no idea I was starring at her trying to gage her age. Faux blondes can appear to be way older than they really are!! She allowed most of her hair to cover her face, and for good reason. This faux blonde was well into her forties, dressing as if it were still 1984. She looked like she stepped out of a White Snake video...leather mini and all.

For many women, the color of their hair changes as frequently as their moods. I am a natural brunette and whenever I get the urge to test the 'blonds have more fun' theory, I always decide to keep my own...for these precise reasons.

And you know these people did not go to a mall to get their hair 'did'!!! For the rest of us mere mortals, we don't even stand a chance!!! My mother, a former faux blonde herself, insists we look best with our God given hair color. These poor people need a clue...they look TRASHY!!!

Trash on the phone, bag no. 2

OMG!!! I cannot believe how much some trash bags reveal! If you have read my previous blog "Trash on the phone" you'll begin to notice I have an extreme dislike for people who talk on their cell phones in public. And not just in public, but in crowded areas!

Ok, so I have already established that most of us cannot talk on the phone and drive simultaneously. Ultimately, someone smacks into another car/pedestrian/small child or animal. But at least these trashy people keep their conversations private, while perchance running over something.

I do not want to be forced to listen to you fight with your husband/wife/lover/child or whoever else you may blab to. The other day, I was sitting outside enjoying my Starbucks Americano and a good book when some woman walked up behind me, on her cell phone and sat down RIGHT next to me. CLEARLY I did not exist in this person's world, but she sure took up a lot of space in mine.

She proceeded to talk about her private affairs and left no detail unmentioned. Did I really need to know about her husband's failed attempts at parenting? Negative. Did she enhance my life when she dropped 5 F bombs in one sentence? Sure not. But there I was, subjected to her rantings and ravings about her personal life. I finally had to get up and leave after she kept repeating the words, "No, just look under the table! Damnit, I told you look under the table! FRANK!!!". I tried to imagine what the hell Frank was not able to locate...under a table?

And what about the trashy people who answer their phones in the middle of a movie and say the words, "Yeah, but I'm in a movie.". WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF US???? And Lord help us if we tell the trash bag to be quiet. I have tried this and guess what, they turn on me! Don't tell me to be quiet, I'm not the one on the phone in the middle of a movie! QUIET, TRASH!!!

You never know who you'll cop a squat next to and if you insist on just blabbing away the details of your life, be warned. You may just accidentally find yourself in a trashy scenario.

Trash in the atmosphere

Excuse me....Ahem...Pardon me.....SO SORRY!!!

I would like to ask the general public, are these words extinct? Do they not apply to you? Are they that hard to remember? When did manners become obsolete? Ok, sometimes something accidentally oozes out, excuse yourself and beg forgiveness if in the company of ANYONE.

In my opinion, manners were created for a very good reason. Not only does it set humans apart from the animals (where anything goes), but it communicates a sense of respect for others. Without it, it's like saying "I don't care, my sh*t don't stink". Well YES IT DOES! You big ape!

I've never heard my dog say 'EXCUSE ME' after she burps in my face. I still find that trashy, but she is a DOG. It's excusable because she doesn't know any better. Men (and women) can be so brutally trashy that I feel compelled to take this opportunity to publicly say EXCUSE ME, BUT THAT'S DISGUSTING. Hocking loogies, belching, farting, adjusting themselves in plain site makes me want to publicly toss my cookies...in their direction!! Wouldn't that be delish?

If guys are so willing to let their natural urges fly freely, maybe women can ban together and insist this as their new look. At least they could point the finger at someone else, and get away with it.

Over the typical holiday weekends, there are inevitably family gatherings. So here's what it usually looks like: men + beer =

Unfortunately, it doesn't end with the belching. There are other gases that escape from their bodies. People can be so trashy! But we all knew this. When in the world did it become tolerated? These people must have been raised in a barn. When did we go from manners to trash?

Trash at the Walmart

Happy Labor Day! My hubby and I will be traveling to our lake home in WI and guess what that means....WALMART HERE WE COME! I cannot wait! The thrill of seeing what people will be wearing in the (rural) Walmart is more exciting than a Lady Gaga sighting!

So here are some TRASHY Walmart goers. I did not capture these shots, but I wish I had! I've been inspired to bring my camera this weekend. No one is safe! This is just the best trash...

When pants are just too much! TRASH!!!

Crack is whack! I'm so tired of seeing butt cracks whilst purchasing my produce. This is just plain trashy!!

This is freaky trash! I imagine this look was created with the aid of a whole lot of Franzia (you know, the trashy box o'wine).

Could you please put

your teeth in, Virginia!!!!

I couldn't tell if this was road kill or hair!! I just love this trash!

And the grand prize winner for the best trash at Walmart...

This trash bag, tucked her's into her pants and opted to go without her top! This is pure Walmart gold!!!!

If anyone wants to send me their trashy photos I'll be sure to protect the innocent and shame the trash!

*check out www.poorlydressedpeople.com