Greetings fellow trash bags! I cannot think of a more appropriate depiction of what it's really like to go shopping during this festive season. That's us on top...swimming along having NO clue what lies beneath. You set out hoping to (semi) enjoy giving unto self or others. CRUNCH! The jaws of the general public have you in their vice within seconds. Gripping all the joy and strangling any sense of pleasure right out of you. I have set fire to my budget and pledged to support my economy one purchase at a time. Unaware of the little fishy directly below me.
First thing's first, a little something for myself. A new hat! Yes, this is what will boost my spirits. A proper fitting cloche will make me appear mysterious and unapproachable...PERFECT!
Here's a play-by-play of this unsuccessful journey.
Store number 1:
I enter and clerk welcomes me with great enthusiasm. She is clothed in what appears to be a dress with three pairs of suspenders (??) and a giant gray floppy hat. I question her wardrobe selection, but who am I to judge? She measures my head and offers several selections. I am convinced I will have a hat in no time, from multiple suspenders lady. I find THE hat to ease my winter blues! I nearly jump for my love...jump in! But it's so over priced it will be the only gift I will be able to buy. Should I screw my family to the post and tell them I looked too fabulous in said hat and apologize for nothing under their tree? Bah hum bug...I tell the suspender hat lady I'll be back. Never to return.
Store number 2:
Tiny little store with hats on the wall. I am drawn in and immediately want to turn around when I see a little girl with a Pomeranian pup playing inside. Her mother, who spoke very little English, waved me in and now it was too late to turn back. I pointed to a decent looking hat high on the wall. I asked her for it and she gave me a quizzical look. I wanted to say, TRASH I WANT TO LEAVE BUT SINCE I'M HERE AT LEAST HELP ME.
There I was jumping up and down in an effort to help myself try on THEIR goods, when a man appeared out of nowhere with a portable phone to his ear and clearly engaged in conversation. I noticed him by the volume of his voice (obviously) and the fact he was shoving a giant bamboo
stick into my arm. What in God's name was I supposed to do with this?
He must have sensed my alarm because he then motioned to the hat high on the wall. I could not believe I actually humored him and lowered the hat from the wall, myself. I tried it on...too small. The phone man had disappeared just as quickly as he appeared and I was left with a tiny fedora on my head and the Asian woman laughing at me. I laughed along with her, suspecting we were both laughing at my expense.
I took the hat off and deliberately made my way for the door. The phone man RAN from the back of store and said, "Listen, I need to take this call. Come back in 30 minutes and I know I can help you. 30 minutes, ok?". I would have promised to name my first born after him, anything to get me the hell out of this trashy store. 30 minutes my ASS! I speak CASH NOW, TRASH!
You still with me?
Store number 3:
Another tiny hat shop with two Asian females flitting about. They had an ipod on max volume playing the most high pitched Chinese techno. I was greeted only by a brief gaze. No words were exchanged. The thing about hat shops, typically they make the most of their store's space and stack the hats on high shelves. This was no exception. This shop had more of a museum ambiance to it rather than a shop where one can actually purchase. It was a look only type of shop, apparently. I wanted to try three hats on, but I was too uncomfortable to ask for their help for fear they would regard me as a fool for asking to touch their precious hats. So I left, dazed and confused by a shop that didn't want to sell.
Store number 4:
My journey was more disappointing than Britney Spears' Femme Fatale, but I rallied for one last stop. The Sally that greeted me at this next shop did speak to me and in English! I was already feeling encouraged. She was a tiny old braud that looked rode hard and put away wet. She covered her Andy Warhol inspired straw wig with a purple beret and she was wearing a sweet sailor outfit.
She said, in an unexpected husky voice, "Darling, I have your size. What is it?" I tried on several hats, with her assistance and I honestly felt she would have told me burlap looked good if positioned just 'so' on my head. A few other customers had entered and she left me to fend for myself as she promised everyone she had their size.
I was momentarily lost in the reflection of myself in the mirror but was quickly jerked out of my zone when I heard a verbal scuffle. "You piece of sh*t! You will be sued for labor laws. You won't get away with this." A tall blond lady was screaming at the Andy Warhol look alike. "Baby, you can't touch me. Now get the hell out of here," she screamed as she chased away the tall blond trash as if she were nothing more than a stray cat. I was completely astonished at her ability to regain composure (within mere seconds) and return asking if I wanted to order a custom hat. The only thing I wanted to custom was my exit.
Summary - After attempting to support local businesses with a simple hat purchase, I retreated and went back to the safety behind my lap top. I made several dirty martinis, put on last year's cloche and hit BUY on Cyber Monday! I got deals, I got instant gratification and best of all...I didn't get eaten alive by the trashy public.
Cheers sweetie dah'ling!
